Ups and Downs

At the fertile yoga class and peer support group I attend we were talking about the emotional ups and downs we experience as we navigate through infertility. Many of the women in this group have been at this a lot longer than I have. The group is varied but I think I am the only one who is on their first medicated cycle. Most of the women have now graduated up to IVF which means that most of them have tried multiple cycles like the one I just did and they have gotten negative results or they have miscarried. The teacher/group leader asked the question: When a cycle fails, depending on how hopeful you were do you think that the low moves or is it just how far we fall? I think the low stays the same. If you get so excited and put all your hope into a positive pregnancy test that turns up negative you are going to be devastated. If you are not so hopeful or excited I think that might make the negative result easier to take; not as long a fall. This is all obviously just speculation as I have never had a medicated cycle before and though anticipating emotions good or bad at the end of this two week wait I can really not be sure how I will take the news.

I daydream sometimes about the moment I get a positive pregnancy test. I imagine that I will be shocked and overcome with emotions of joy and thankfulness. I can almost guarantee that I will cry. In the year that we were trying on our own I got so used to negative results that by the end of it I stopped testing, just assumed I was not pregnant and that eventually my period would come. I think this is why I don't want to take a home pregnancy test before my blood test on the 2nd. I have seen so many of them and they have all been negative. I really don't want to see another. Maybe I'll POAS (pee on a stick) if I get a positive result from my beta test - just to see what it looks like. I have contemplated doing this now after my Hcg shot and before it runs out of my system but I know that is just silly, plus I think that might make my high higher and this a farther fall to the low.

If I am going to try to protect myself from the hurt of a negative pregnancy test at the end of this two week wait I need to not get so hopeful but part of me thinks that I need to let the hope in too.