Still waiting...

93 hours until my blood test on Monday morning. Not like I am keeping track or anything...

I go back and forth with how I am feeling all the time. One minute I can be hopeful and the next I can be lost.

People get pregnant all the time, even when they are not trying to and I am seriously trying. I understand that without medical intervention 99% - 100% of the time I do not ovulate so getting pregnant with out help is just not in the cards for me. But... thanks to Clomid and Ovidrel I have ovulated so I should be just like a "normal" woman right? I should be able to get pregnant right?

This whole mess is just that - a mess and making me a mess in the meantime.

Uhhh I just want to be pregnant already and this waiting to find out business is making me mad!

I have one test left over from the pack of three I bought last month. Debating on whether or not to take it before the blood test though it probably would not be a good idea to take it before I go to a one year old's birthday party on Saturday unless it turns up positive and then that would be just lovely!

This is torture for me right now...

Halfway there

One more week until my bloodtest on October 4th. One week does not sound like a very long time but it has been for me so far.

I did manage to take my mind off things for a bit while Shawn and I went up to Mystic, CT for a mini-break this weekend. We went up for a 2 night worship event with Rick Pino in New London and stayed over and visited the Mystic Aquarium and Mystic Seaport while we were up there. The whole weekend was lovely and relaxing, the kind of thing I wish we would do more often. Being busy definitely makes the wait a little easier, though it is definitely not something I have been able to put out of my mind.

This week I am preparing for a fellowship/worship/prayer meeting at our home on Friday. We have been doing these gatherings about once a month so I think that the meal planning, shopping and cleaning/organizing should keep me occupied this week.

Saturday we are attending a 1st birthday party for our friend's daughter. Although I am looking forward to it I am also a little nervous, I am not expecting it to be easy for me. I am expecting lots of babies/small children/pregnant women. Children I can deal with and babies are ok (I do really love babies) but pregnant women make me very uncomfortable. I just have to keep telling myself that someday it will be me too - but seeing a pregnant woman is just difficult right now.

At least I know what to expect and can try to prepare myself a little bit to try not to cry/ignore them completely.

My friends know what I am going through and they are pretty good at being sensitive to me it is just that this is/has been pretty rough on me so far and my reactions to normal/happy things are/have been totally inappropriate.

For now I am celebtating being halfway through with my two week wait. Only 7 days to go!

The Waiting Game

Waiting for something you really want is not fun. I have tried to keep myself busy and distracted but nothing really seems to work. In the back of my mind I am always thinking - could I be pregnant right now? I wonder if an egg has fertilized? If it did not then its already over but if it did and we are still in the game then it should be traveling down my fallopian tube for the next day or so. I have read that implantation does not occur for 8 days. You would think with all the medical advancements that they could figure out a way to tell sooner?

I was ok with all the waiting when we were trying on our own for a year but I think that was because I expected all the negatives. I figured I was just putting in my time so that a RE would see me and take me seriously. I was even ok with the waiting while I was going through the infertility testing and surgery, though, I have to admit, I think the turn around in my patience came when my surgery was postponed for a month. At that point I just wanted to hurry things up and get on with it.

Now that I have been in active treatment for the past two months I think I have lost it. I know that I have a ton of hormones running around in my body making me crazier than normal but really...

I started taking progesterone again yesterday and have to do that every morning until my beta test on 10/4. Even though I am not such a fan of the progesterone I am happy to do it if it means it will work.

Maybe it is the uncertainly that is bothering me? I am a planner and the not knowing is getting to me. Not knowing if this cycle will work, not knowing if any cycle will work. I get a little ahead of myself most of the time and start thinking things like how would I save up the money to do additional treatments if I use up all the ones covered by my insurance and still no baby? How would I deal if I did get pregnant but lost the baby to a miscarriage? How would I deal with not being able to have children ever?

I worry so much about all the unknowns - it is constant background noise inside my head.

I hate the 2WW - October 4, please come quickly so I can get on with things!

IUI #2 Part 2

This morning I had my second and final IUI for this cycle. The count for yesterday's IUI was really low so I felt pretty crappy yesterday but the count was better today so we will see. It really only takes 1 so a total of 7 million should be more than enough right? I hope so. Now the waiting begins...I hope October 4th gets here quickly! For now, after a fun-filled but jam packed weekend and the treatments as well with all their early-morning appointments I am exhausted. I wish I could go home and cuddle up in bed but that is not in the cards for me today. 6 and 1/2 more hours of work...Boo!

IUI #2 Part 1

Today and Monday I am going for my IUIs for round 2. I am excited because this time, instead of one follicle at 18 I had 1 at 18 and 1 at 21! Whoo! Seriously, this is exactly what I wished would happen and I guess I responded much better to the meds this time because they were ready on time this time. It all seemed to work perfectly so far! I am excited and off now to go to the RE office!!!

Staying Busy (or at least trying to)

I am realizing that there is a whole lot of waiting that has to go on with infertility treatments. Even before the two week wait you have to wait for your follicles to grow and wait for them to be developed enough to trigger. I am not a very patient person. Waiting is hard.

I have been trying to stay busy while I wait for my next appointment on Saturday and have been trying to schedule distractions as well. This has not been easy.

I find that the hardest time to stay distracted is while I am at work. I am not exactly sure why this is since most people I know say they are most distracted from IF while they are busy at work. Whatever the reason, being at work is a difficult time for me. At least when I am at home I can take my mind off of things by watching a show or doing housework. At work my mind seems to wander and worry and go to bad places.

I am sitting in on a class with my hubby this semester which is something I am excited about. The class is called Perspectives in Mission. The first class was Tuesday night and so far so good. There is a lot of reading though, way more than undergraduate and I am only trying to do the work for one class - I have no idea how my hubby does it for 5. Hopefully homework will take up a good chunk of my time and another bonus is the time spent with Shawn and getting to do something like this together.

We have plans to go apple picking in upstate NY this Saturday, a 2-day concert the next weekend and another 1st Century Church gathering at our home the weekend after that. I should find out the results of this cycle the week following that last planned weekend. But like I said earlier, the weekends and time at home I can deal with, it is the time spent at work that has been the hardest for me so far.

I'm wondering when this roller coaster of emotions will be over? Hopefully soon!

Growing Follicles

Last night I took my last dose of 100mg Clomid for this cycle. Hopefully my follicles are cooperating and growing at this very moment. Last cycle I ended up with one mature follicle. This time I am hoping for two. I know that I am still taking the same dose of medication but I guess I am hoping that my body realizes what I am trying to get it to do and maybe that there is a little left over in my system from the prior cycle. I have heard of women who take a break and get pregnant since there is still some Clomid left in their system which causes them to mature a follicle and ovulate. I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I always felt like September would be my month. I had a sneaking suspicion that the first round was not going to work and that the second time around would be the one. I really hope so.

As time goes on in treatment I have found that it just gets harder emotionally. I know I am only in the beginning of my second round but seriously, this is hard stuff to deal with. I'm not sure how women do it so long and then, on the other hand, I can't imagine stopping until I get what I came for. I am already so invested, physically, emotionally and financially that I feel like once you really get going there should be no turning back.

I have had a really hard couple of weeks, ever since the negative phone call. I have been angry and depressed and not really willing or able to think about much else. I think I am starting to turn a corner. I feel like the hope for this next cycle is finally starting to take over all the negative feelings of the past failed cycle.

I go in on Saturday morning for my monitoring appointment. I will bring my Ovidrel shot in case my follicles are ready at that point and I can have them trigger me then and there but I also know now that there is a possibility that, like last time, my follicles will not be big enough and I will have to wait a few more days. Whatever it is I just hope for nice big follicles.

The earliest the IUIS would be on this coming Sunday and Monday but, if I respond slowly like last time they may be scheduled for later in the week. I am excited. Hoping that this will be my month. Trying to stay busy to help the time between appointments go by quickly. Trying to focus and stay positive.

I have found that visualizing myself with the family I desire has helped. Putting positive thought into my mind instead of all the negative that has been hanging around.

4 more days until my monitoring appointment. I know it is only Tuesday but I hope Saturday comes quickly!

Infertility Etiquette from RESOLVE

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Trying to Stay Positive

The past couple of days I have been feeling strange. I'm not quite sure how to describe it accurately but I definitely have not been completely myself. I am angry, sad, hopeful, fearful, longing, desperate and anxious. Most of what I am feeling is negative. It is draining and not how I want to feel. Trying to stay positive has become more and more difficult as I let the bad feelings take over. There is a little hope, a little light but even that is shadowed by the anxiety and doubt.

Seeing my pregnant friend the other day, coupled with multiple facebook pregnancy and delivery announcements just make it more difficult for me. Even a trip to the grocery store is difficult. There are a lot of pregnant women at the grocery store. I hadn't noticed this before but it seems like all of the sudden they are everywhere. Showing me what I don't have. Making me wonder if I ever will. I try to skip the baby aisle. The smell of the packages diapers and wipes and baby lotions makes me happy but also makes me yearn for the time when I will have a reason to be there. It is a little like torture I put myself through. I love all things baby and even have some baby clothes and gear just waiting for my little one.

Sometimes going to a store and buying a little baby outfit makes me feel better. I know I sound a little crazy but it helps me. Even though I know I am not pregnant and don't know when it will happen for me, when I go to a store and pick out something to buy for my future baby it helps put me in the frame of mind that it will happen eventually. So even though it hurts in most ways it also helps in others.

Another thing I do that makes me feel a little better is to think about how I will feel when I finally get that positive pregnancy test. To think about how I will finally feel when I hear my baby's heartbeat. To think about how I will finally feel when I feel my baby kick for the first time. To think about how I will finally feel at my baby shower and most of all to think about how I will finally feel when I get to hold my precious baby in my arms for the first time.

Staying positive through infertility is difficult. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible. Letting the hope in is something I need to do more often. Something I need to help me through this difficult time. Distractions are good but just that. Something to help me pass the time. What I really need is to let in the good and forget about the negative for a little while. I know that if I let the negative go and give in to the hope for a child that if it turns out that this time does not work again I will be devastated, worse than before. It is the fear of that pain that is holding me back and I know I need to just release it, to give it to God.

Take Two

Last night I had dinner with a few of my friends from high school to catch up. We used to meet for dinner every few months but realized that we hadn't gotten together this time on over a year (since we were all together at one of our weddings). Anyways, the whole car ride there I was debating whether or not to let them in on the fact that I am doing fertility treatments. I decided as I got out of the car that I should definitely let them know - I mean it is basically all I have been doing for the past 6 months and they are my friends. I was a little late and the other 4 were already there.

I sit down and the first piece of news after the hugs hello was that one of them was pregnant. Due in February.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach and I basically lost it. I tried to remain as calm cool and collected as I could on the outside but it was difficult to say the least and my friends knew that something was up. I sat there quietly and took deep breaths to keep me from crying, screaming, or engaging in some other highly inappropriate act. She is my friend, I should be happy for her. It is a strange feeling because I am happy for her, it is wonderful that she is pregnant. What sucks is that I am not and I've been trying for so long.

I made it through about 2/3 of the dinner when I finally told them what was going on. They knew something was going on and I couldn't stand it any more. I didn't want them to think I was upset at them. So I told them what was going on with me. I almost immediately regretted it. They so do not understand, I don't think anyone can unless they have really gone through it.

Anyways, I made it through with out completely loosing it until I got home and told my hubby about my friend's pregnancy. I cried and talked with him about how it made me feel. It just sucks so bad and it hurts me deeply. If anyone (besides the few wonderful women I have met going through the same thing) understands how I feel I think Shawn does. I know he wants a baby too. He wants to be a Daddy just as much as I want to be a Mommy and although most of the uncomfortable testing is on me he is going through the emotions with me. He wants the same thing I do and he knows how hard it has been for the past year and 1/2. Sometimes his desires for a child make me feel worse. I feel guilty that I have not been able to give him the child that we both want. Whatever way you look at it this whole mess sucks big time.

Moving on from the negative.

I went in this morning for my Cycle Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. RE said my uterus and lining look good. Lots of small follicles on both my ovaries (which is unfortunately normal for me). He said for one there were 40 less than 10 and 30 less than ten on the other. No cysts or other bad stuff that would delay my treatment so we are good to go. I went over to the pharmacy right after the appointment to pick up my Rx of Clomid. I am taking the same dose as last time since I did produce a follicle so that will be 2 pills every night starting today for the next 5 days. My next appointment is on September 18th for morning monitoring and then I'll do the Ovidrel injection again and IUIs just like last time. Hopefully though, we will get a different result this time. I don't know how much longer I can do this without becoming completely crazy.

Starting Again

It took longer than I expected to get my period after going off of the progesterone. My RE nurse told me it should come a day or two after stopping. Mine took 5 days. I tend to do everything a bit slower than expected. Anyways, I will go in for an ultrasound and blood work on Thursday morning and will start my second round of Clomid on Thursday evening. I am moving on from being pissed about the first round not working and gearing myself up for this round. I think I will be a lot less on edge (at least for the first two weeks leading up to the iuis) since I know what to expect a little better and I also know that things don't always run on schedule and that that is ok. Hopefully this will be the cycle. If things go as planned I will test again around the second week in October. Here we go again...

Negative

I just listened to my voicemail and got the bad but expected news that the test was negative. I feel a little like my world is crushed. Trying not to break down at work. Really just want to go home and cry but that's not in the cards for me today so I'll just suck it up. For now.

The next step is to stop the progesterone and call the RE office on my day 1. They say that after stopping the progesterone I will get my period in a day or so and hopefully that is the case so we can get started again. I am assuming that we will do the same thing as before with the Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI and hopefully with better results this time.

For now I feel like crap.

Beta Test

I went in this morning for my blood pregnancy test. They also call it a beta test. Since I took a negative home pregnancy test yesterday morning I am pretty much expecting the beta to be negative also. Bummed about that. Cried for a little bit last night. My stomach is in knots this morning as I wait for the results. The RE office said they would call somewhere around 12 or 1 so I still have an hour or two more of waiting. I'm getting used to waiting but it still sucks. I am bracing myself for bad news. Hopefully I don't cry at work. I'll check in later with the results.

HPT

After thinking about it literally all day at work I went home and took a HPT. It was negative. I kind of expected it to be. While I was sitting there staring at the results window, praying for two lines, I felt like I already knew there would only be one. I took another one this morning with the same negative results. My blood test is tomorrow and while I know there is still hope for a positive result from the blood test I feel like it is going to be negative and I think taking the HPTs helped me a little so I can not be so crushed to hear bad news tomorrow. I didn't cry, I don't think I will if it is negative again tomorrow. I'll be sad but seriously I just want to get on with the next treatment cycle. Treat the first cycle like practice. Next time the doctors will have a better idea about how my body responds to things. Next time it will work.

I think one of the hardest parts about a cycle not working is having to tell others the sad news. I let a lot of people in on what we are doing and just about all of them know that Thursday is the day. What are they expecting? I certainly don't want to call with bad news. I understand now why people keep their treatments to themselves. I am already going to be upset about a negative result but having to tell others and share my hurt with them I think would make it worse. Maybe if I just don't say anything they will get the idea. It doesn't help that we are supposed to go to a BBQ at my in-laws for Labor Day. I'll have to put on a happy face in front of the family which will be hard. Especially since people in his family tend to be super-fertile. I guess I just have to remember that my time will come. That I will be a mother at some point and that when that happens it will be wonderful and I will know how to truly appreciate it.