Awesome & Not So Awesome

Awesome: On Monday I got to see two little hearts beating away, they showed up on the ultrasound monitor as tiny white flickers and they were the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Proof that there are two tiny humans growing in my womb.



Not So Awesome: The reason for my visit on Monday was that I was having bleeding on Sunday. I was totally freaked out. When the RE did my ultrasound besides my two lovies and their tiny beating hearts it showed that I have a subchoronic hematoma (SCH), otherwise known as a blood clot in my uterus. I could see it right between my two little ones and it was and is the cause of my bleeding. My RE said that it is something that just happens sometimes and that they think it was caused at implantation when one of the embryos pulled away from the uterine wall causing a bleed. He also said that they usually resolve themselves and in the meantime I should take it easy and drink lots of water and that I should expect additional bleeding. Since Monday's appointment I had no spotting on Monday, light spotting on Tuesday afternoon and heavier spotting early this morning. My next ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow so hopefully I'll get to see my little beating hearts again and a SCH that is getting smaller or it would be even better if it would just GO AWAY!

This is a picture from the u/s after but you can see that the SCH (the big scary black blob) is bigger than the babies!



Personally I feel that especially for people who have struggled with infertility that we should be exempt from pregnancy complications altogether. That's just my vote.

First Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound yesterday and my RE saw TWO gestational sacs! One was much larger than the other and had a yolk sac but he said the other could still catch up and we will just have to wait and see. I'll be in for a second ultrasound next weeks to hopefully see some little heartbeat(s)!



Seriously I am so relieved. I felt like they were going to tell me that there was nothing there or that I would miscarry. I had tons of crazy terrible thoughts running through my mind and literally had a panic attack before the u/s while they were taking my blood. They had to stop, make sure I was breathing and get me some water. I felt like a total drama queen but just couldn't help it.

I guess I am a worrier by nature and especially with all that it took to get here sometimes when I get good news it is like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Trying to get myself in a better frame of mind and just be excited that I am pregnant with TWO little babies :)

Between Infertile and Pregnant

Last time I updated this blog was with the results of my first beta test. My level was great, 301! I was definitely pregnant. I went for a second beta test last Wednesday and the level went up to 529 which was good since they want the number to double every 48-72 hours. I was within the limit with a doubling time of 59 hours. Still good. My third beta test (which I requested) came back at 817. Ever since getting this beta level I have been nervous. Well, I was nervous after the second because I thought it wasn't doubling fast enough but after the third I really started to get nervous since the doubling time between the 2nd and 3rd beta levels was 76.5 hours, just over the 48 - 72 hour doubling time window. So where does that leave me? In beta hell.

Seriously, you would think that once I got a positive pregnancy test that I would be over the moon. Many women don't even get in to see their doctors for an ultrasound for 7-10 weeks. I am freaking out and holding my breath until my first ultrasound tomorrow at 5 weeks 5 days. I just want to see that things are ok, it is something I am NOT confident about at the moment. I wonder if I will ever be?

Right now I'm not sure what I would call myself. Technically, I am pregnant but honestly it is so hard to actually say that because I have not seen proof, no gestational sac, no heartbeat, just some pee sticks and some phone calls from my RE office. I am really hoping for some proof tomorrow. I have had some symptoms but most seem to come and go. Heartburn, sore boobs, mild headaches, dizziness, getting hungry more often, some food cravings, bad skin, and a weird feeling like I've done way too many crunches. The one symptom that has been most consistent is that I've been extra tired. Going to bed at 8 or 9pm kind of tired. Although I always thought through all of this that I just wanted to get pregnant but really that is not the case, although I do want to be pregnant, what I want more is a healthy baby in my arms and am realizing now that the two are not always the same and that terrifies me.

I've been ok most of the week but today, waiting for my 11am appointment tomorrow, has been really tough. 22 more hours of waiting...

Beta is in :)

I just got the call from my nurse and my beta was 301! This was the BEST phone call I have ever gotten :)

She said this is great news and I am officially pregnant!

Now I will go in on Wednesday for a second beta and my nurse said they want to see my number go up by at least 65%. Here's hoping I have a super strong little one growing in there and that my Wednesday number will be just as great. If that happens then I get to schedule my pregnancy ultrasound...wow.

I am totally shocked and excited and still nervous

Beta test tomorrow

...but I cheated and took home pregnancy tests starting on Wednesday (7dp3dt)

After I took the first test on Wednesday I was super bummed because it looked negative to me.

I waited until Friday and tested again and it was POSITIVE. I couldn't believe it and immediately started to cry. The line was faint but definitely there and when i took another test this morning (11dp3dt) the line was darker and when I went back and looked at the first test I took I noticed a super faint line, it must have just been so faint and taken so long to come up that I totally missed it. I'm not sure it even is visible in the photo but it is there.



I'm still pretty much in shock and can't really believe it and am walking around on eggshells. I am anxious to hear what my beta number will be tomorrow and anticipate that I will be back on Wednesday and Friday to get additional betas to make sure the number doubles.

I am really hoping for a nice strong beta number tomorrow and doubles after that. Not sure if/when this feeling of nervousness will go away...I feel like I should just be happy but there are a lot of emotions going on in my head right now