Still waiting...

93 hours until my blood test on Monday morning. Not like I am keeping track or anything...

I go back and forth with how I am feeling all the time. One minute I can be hopeful and the next I can be lost.

People get pregnant all the time, even when they are not trying to and I am seriously trying. I understand that without medical intervention 99% - 100% of the time I do not ovulate so getting pregnant with out help is just not in the cards for me. But... thanks to Clomid and Ovidrel I have ovulated so I should be just like a "normal" woman right? I should be able to get pregnant right?

This whole mess is just that - a mess and making me a mess in the meantime.

Uhhh I just want to be pregnant already and this waiting to find out business is making me mad!

I have one test left over from the pack of three I bought last month. Debating on whether or not to take it before the blood test though it probably would not be a good idea to take it before I go to a one year old's birthday party on Saturday unless it turns up positive and then that would be just lovely!

This is torture for me right now...

Halfway there

One more week until my bloodtest on October 4th. One week does not sound like a very long time but it has been for me so far.

I did manage to take my mind off things for a bit while Shawn and I went up to Mystic, CT for a mini-break this weekend. We went up for a 2 night worship event with Rick Pino in New London and stayed over and visited the Mystic Aquarium and Mystic Seaport while we were up there. The whole weekend was lovely and relaxing, the kind of thing I wish we would do more often. Being busy definitely makes the wait a little easier, though it is definitely not something I have been able to put out of my mind.

This week I am preparing for a fellowship/worship/prayer meeting at our home on Friday. We have been doing these gatherings about once a month so I think that the meal planning, shopping and cleaning/organizing should keep me occupied this week.

Saturday we are attending a 1st birthday party for our friend's daughter. Although I am looking forward to it I am also a little nervous, I am not expecting it to be easy for me. I am expecting lots of babies/small children/pregnant women. Children I can deal with and babies are ok (I do really love babies) but pregnant women make me very uncomfortable. I just have to keep telling myself that someday it will be me too - but seeing a pregnant woman is just difficult right now.

At least I know what to expect and can try to prepare myself a little bit to try not to cry/ignore them completely.

My friends know what I am going through and they are pretty good at being sensitive to me it is just that this is/has been pretty rough on me so far and my reactions to normal/happy things are/have been totally inappropriate.

For now I am celebtating being halfway through with my two week wait. Only 7 days to go!

The Waiting Game

Waiting for something you really want is not fun. I have tried to keep myself busy and distracted but nothing really seems to work. In the back of my mind I am always thinking - could I be pregnant right now? I wonder if an egg has fertilized? If it did not then its already over but if it did and we are still in the game then it should be traveling down my fallopian tube for the next day or so. I have read that implantation does not occur for 8 days. You would think with all the medical advancements that they could figure out a way to tell sooner?

I was ok with all the waiting when we were trying on our own for a year but I think that was because I expected all the negatives. I figured I was just putting in my time so that a RE would see me and take me seriously. I was even ok with the waiting while I was going through the infertility testing and surgery, though, I have to admit, I think the turn around in my patience came when my surgery was postponed for a month. At that point I just wanted to hurry things up and get on with it.

Now that I have been in active treatment for the past two months I think I have lost it. I know that I have a ton of hormones running around in my body making me crazier than normal but really...

I started taking progesterone again yesterday and have to do that every morning until my beta test on 10/4. Even though I am not such a fan of the progesterone I am happy to do it if it means it will work.

Maybe it is the uncertainly that is bothering me? I am a planner and the not knowing is getting to me. Not knowing if this cycle will work, not knowing if any cycle will work. I get a little ahead of myself most of the time and start thinking things like how would I save up the money to do additional treatments if I use up all the ones covered by my insurance and still no baby? How would I deal if I did get pregnant but lost the baby to a miscarriage? How would I deal with not being able to have children ever?

I worry so much about all the unknowns - it is constant background noise inside my head.

I hate the 2WW - October 4, please come quickly so I can get on with things!

Still Waiting

I was glad that my wonderful and busy weekend helped make the past few days fly by. On Friday we had Adam Cates, one of my husband's favorite worship artists, come and lead us in a ministry night at our home. We had about 30 people show up for dinner and festivities and it was a great time. My mother-in-law even came up from NY for the night which was really a blessing to have her there to share the experience. We had friends stay over until almost 3am talking and enjoying each others company. It was a great night.

Saturday I dragged myself out of bed to my fertile yoga class which was, as always, refreshing and wonderful. I was so tired from the night before though that when I got home I took a very very long and much needed nap. I think I didn't get up until 4pm. I guess I needed the sleep.

I have still been having more vivid dreams than normal and lately I've been getting a lot of charlie horse cramps in my legs which are no fun. Also on Saturday I had a bunch of hot flashes. Not sure if any of that means anything at all but I hope it means something...

Sunday I went to church and after went raspberry picking with my friend Melissa and then on our way home she showed me her favorite restaurant in New Haven, we had the most amazing lunch! My sister-in-law Nicole came over for dinner and wound up my weekend on a perfect note.

I can't believe just 3 more days until my blood test. I'm freaking out a little (ok - more than a little)! I'm not sure what to do to make the time pass any quicker. But then again, part of me doesn't want that day to come if it means that the test will be negative. As it has been 13 days since the trigger shot I have been thinking more and more about going out to get a HPT but not sure. I have so many conflicting feelings. The only one I am sure of is that I want a baby, my baby. I hope I don't have to wait all that much longer... I know they say good things come to those who wait but I think I've waited long enough.

Also, I've been thinking about the percentages. 17% - that's what the RE says my chance for conception is per cycle with medicated IUI. Just like a "normal" fertile woman. I'm not so crazy about 17% - I know it is better than 0% - 1% which is me with out all this medical intervention but still that's way less than half a shot. Part of me thinks that is crazy, that the percentage should be way higher. I mean come on they are making sure my eggs grow, making sure they ovulate, making sure that sperm are where they need to be to meet the egg and they are making sure that all my hormones are at the appropriate levels. To me that sounds like a better shot than 17%. Part of me thinks that should be pretty near 100%. The only things that are up to chance are if the sperm gets into the egg and if the egg implants. I know that there is nothing I can do about this but all I want to do is to do something about this. To help it happen, to know if it did or not. According to calculations, this weekend should have been when my egg implanted, if it did. Gosh, I hope it did. I have been constantly looking up early pregnancy symptoms ever since my first IUI and recently found that hot flashes can be a sign of implantation. I sure hope that is right and I sure hope that what I felt on Saturday were hot flashes. That would be perfect. I guess I don't have any other symptoms of implantation though. No implantation spotting, no nausea, no breast tenderness. I keep grabbing my boobs to see if it hurts, hoping they will. I guess I am just looking for some sign. I know that I will know in 3 days but the anticipation is killing me...

Halfway through the 2WW

So I am now officially halfway through my two week wait. All this time I have been thinking there has got to be some way they can figure out if you are pregnant sooner. With all the medical advancements I mean, come on, this is torture! It seems to me, whereas normally weeks go by quickly for me, this week has dragged on and on. Maybe I don't have enough going on. I've tried to stay busy but not so sure how that has worked out for me.

Last night I had a crazy dream. I haven't had many dreams lately, at least that I can remember when I wake up, but this dream, although a little fuzzy, was right in my mind when I woke up this morning. I dreamt that while I was at work I had a baby boy. It was strange because the me at work was different than the me giving birth. I got a phone call at work to tell me that the baby was here and my boss told me to get out of there and go see the baby. I was worried because I wasn't prepared for the baby. I didn't have any gear or clothes or a crib. Then, while I was preparing to leave I found a huge spider whose body was probably the size of a cantaloupe. It was following me and I had to get away from it. I was throwing things at it but it wouldn't go away. I must have gotten away from it because later, when I was with the baby (in the dining room at my childhood home) the spider showed up again and I had to fight it off. That's all I remember really but it was weird. I'm not much of a dream analyst but I would think that the baby boy part of it was a good thing but pretty sure the spider is not so good, especially seeing as I hate spiders.

I have read that vivid dreams are a sign of pregnancy. Lets just leave it at that and hope that is the case. If so, bring on the crazy dreams about abnormally large spiders that are trying to get me and my baby.

I can't wait until next Thursday and have a pretty packed weekend so hopefully the time will fly by. Tomorrow we are having one of my husband's favorite Christian artists come to our home for a worship night which will be tons of fun and preparations for it will keep me occupied today and tomorrow. Saturday I have my fertile yoga class which I have been missing ever since it ended last Saturday and we are dog-sitting for a friend's puppy while she is out of town and then, on Sunday, Shawn's sister Nicole is coming for dinner which will be nice since we haven't seen her in quite a while and she really is one of the nicest people I know. Also, next week my boss comes back from his month long vacation so I'm sure he will keep me busy through the work week.

7 days to go!

Waiting

Waiting sucks. My last IUI was on Thursday and my pregnancy test is on September 2nd. I wouldn't really consider two weeks a long time normally but this two week wait to find out if fertility treatment worked is excruciatingly long. Hours seem to drag on as I wait and wait and wait for September 2nd to come. In the meantime I am far more in tune with my body than I have ever really been. I pay attention to every little twinge thinking it might be an early pregnancy symptom. I have endlessly googled pregnancy symptoms after IUI, IUI success stories and so on. Even though I know it is impossible to feel any kind of symptom until implantation (which takes place about 8 days post IUI) I still am monitoring every feeling. Besides that, I think I might be going crazy. The only thing that is on my mind is the question - could I be pregnant? I had to pick up some prescriptions at CVS this weekend and I had to restrain myself from going down the family planning aisle or I probably would have bought 20 home pregnancy tests.

I was talking with a woman at my fertile yoga class who told me that she would test through her Hcg meaning that from the day she took that injection she was doing home pregnancy tests. At first to monitor the injection and to see when the drug was out of her system (since it would cause a false positive) and then every day after the Hcg was out of her system she would test knowing that a positive would be a real one. I think doing that might make me more crazy than I already am but at the same time I totally get it and even contemplated doing it myself. To test or not to test? Apparently, that is the question. At least it gives you something to do during this awful waiting period. But honestly, I'm a little scared to do it at all. Maybe I'll just wait.

This morning I went in to get blood drawn to check my hormones (estrogen and progesterone). I'm assuming I'll get a call later this afternoon from my (new) nurse letting me know how my levels are and if I need to go on a progesterone supplement. I feel better when there is something for me to do. An appointment to go to or anything related to my treatment. Some people just want to forget about it and keep themselves busy with work or other distractions but that really doesn't work for me. Even when I try to keep myself distracted with non-fertility stuff there it is, in the (not so) back of my mind. I was thinking this morning as I drove to my blood draw appointment at the RE office that I would be happy to just stay at the doctor's office for my entire two week wait. I know. I'm crazy. I guess that just is how it is going to be for now as I (not so) patiently wait for September 2nd. Only 10 more days to go...