The Waiting Game

Waiting for something you really want is not fun. I have tried to keep myself busy and distracted but nothing really seems to work. In the back of my mind I am always thinking - could I be pregnant right now? I wonder if an egg has fertilized? If it did not then its already over but if it did and we are still in the game then it should be traveling down my fallopian tube for the next day or so. I have read that implantation does not occur for 8 days. You would think with all the medical advancements that they could figure out a way to tell sooner?

I was ok with all the waiting when we were trying on our own for a year but I think that was because I expected all the negatives. I figured I was just putting in my time so that a RE would see me and take me seriously. I was even ok with the waiting while I was going through the infertility testing and surgery, though, I have to admit, I think the turn around in my patience came when my surgery was postponed for a month. At that point I just wanted to hurry things up and get on with it.

Now that I have been in active treatment for the past two months I think I have lost it. I know that I have a ton of hormones running around in my body making me crazier than normal but really...

I started taking progesterone again yesterday and have to do that every morning until my beta test on 10/4. Even though I am not such a fan of the progesterone I am happy to do it if it means it will work.

Maybe it is the uncertainly that is bothering me? I am a planner and the not knowing is getting to me. Not knowing if this cycle will work, not knowing if any cycle will work. I get a little ahead of myself most of the time and start thinking things like how would I save up the money to do additional treatments if I use up all the ones covered by my insurance and still no baby? How would I deal if I did get pregnant but lost the baby to a miscarriage? How would I deal with not being able to have children ever?

I worry so much about all the unknowns - it is constant background noise inside my head.

I hate the 2WW - October 4, please come quickly so I can get on with things!