HPT

After thinking about it literally all day at work I went home and took a HPT. It was negative. I kind of expected it to be. While I was sitting there staring at the results window, praying for two lines, I felt like I already knew there would only be one. I took another one this morning with the same negative results. My blood test is tomorrow and while I know there is still hope for a positive result from the blood test I feel like it is going to be negative and I think taking the HPTs helped me a little so I can not be so crushed to hear bad news tomorrow. I didn't cry, I don't think I will if it is negative again tomorrow. I'll be sad but seriously I just want to get on with the next treatment cycle. Treat the first cycle like practice. Next time the doctors will have a better idea about how my body responds to things. Next time it will work.

I think one of the hardest parts about a cycle not working is having to tell others the sad news. I let a lot of people in on what we are doing and just about all of them know that Thursday is the day. What are they expecting? I certainly don't want to call with bad news. I understand now why people keep their treatments to themselves. I am already going to be upset about a negative result but having to tell others and share my hurt with them I think would make it worse. Maybe if I just don't say anything they will get the idea. It doesn't help that we are supposed to go to a BBQ at my in-laws for Labor Day. I'll have to put on a happy face in front of the family which will be hard. Especially since people in his family tend to be super-fertile. I guess I just have to remember that my time will come. That I will be a mother at some point and that when that happens it will be wonderful and I will know how to truly appreciate it.