Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will meet my babies. I have waited a really, really long time to say that. It still doesn't seem real, maybe it never will. I can't think of anything I have waited longer for in my life. All that time seems to make the coming of tomorrow that much more unreal but as I sit here confined to a hospital room with nurses coming in and out all day I have to know something is coming. I have had all this time of waiting for what tomorrow will be, so why do I feel unprepared? Why can't I believe what is actually happening? It feels like a dream. I have dreamt about what it would be like to see the little faces of my babies for years, what they would look like and how much joy I would feel as I instantly fell in love. Is that day actually almost here? Is that how I will feel tomorrow? I am stuck in a whirlwind of emotions about tomorrow. I know I am not in control but I just want everything to go well. I want an uneventful surgery, as smooth a recovery as can be and most of all I want happy, healthy babies.

Tomorrow will be the end of what has been a very long road, full of some of the most painful, broken and trying times I have been through, things that tested my character, marriage and faith but also, this road has offered some of the happiest memories I have so far, has proven to me that with God, my husband and family I can get through really dark days and they will all be there to rejoice with me once the storm clouds pass. I know how it feels to ache for something and then feel the immense blessing when it is satisfied. I also know that not everyone is as fortunate as I have been.

Even as tomorrow marks the end of one road it is only the beginning of another. Tomorrow will be the beginning of life on earth for my two sweet babies and the beginning of Shawn and I as parents, our parents as grandparents, our siblings as aunts and uncles, new roles and relationships for the rest of our lives.

For now, I'll enjoy the last times I'll feel you kick and wiggle inside my womb, I can't wait to meet you my sweet little ones and for all that tomorrow has in store for our future.

Hospital stay #3

A quick update on what has been going on the past few days...

Tuesday - I had a NST and a Doppler study ultrasound scheduled at the MFM at the hospital for 2:30. The ultrasound went great and everything with the babies looked wonderful as always. During my NST though, they were taking my blood pressure and it was high. At the end of the appointment they sent me up to labor & delivery because my OB was there and she wanted me to go on monitors for a while. I was honestly thinking I would be there for a couple hours and be sent home. Thankfully they did not give me an IV. After more blood pressure monitoring and a spot check of my urine they decided to keep me and do another 24 hour pee test, in the hospital because of my elevated pressures. I started the test at 7:00 Tuesday night.

Wednesday - All I did was pee in a bucket and have my bp checked and do NSTs all day. The babies drove the nurses crazy because they are little wiggle worms and wouldn't stay on the monitors. Also, I was having contractions, not painful, just tightening and at one point they were about every 5 minutes being picked up by the NST machine. Late Wednesday evening we got the results back from the pee test. 457. Too high. I was told that my doctors would have to discuss everything and come up with a plan. I was still hoping they would let me go home.

Thursday - With blood pressures still high through Wednesday night and into Thursday morning they were not about to let ,e go home, especially seeing as protein was also showing up in my urine. Officially I have pre-eclampsia. One of the OBs came in to tell me that they have scheduled me for a c-section on Monday morning and that I will be in the hospital for monitoring until then. Yay for meeting my babies and at least for making it to 36 weeks and 1 day but a big Boo for having to stay in the hospital... I had more monitoring that afternoon and got to go up and take a tour of the NICU. I saw tiny babies and met some of the nurses up there and got to ask questions and generally see how things work up there. It was a little overwhelming but good overall and there is even a possibility that our babies might not need to go there so we'll just have to wait and see for now. My pressures were super high the restof the evening like 170/100 high. The doctors and nurses were not happy.

Friday (today) - Overnight my pressures went down and have been relatively ok for today, much lower than yesterday. I am however getting really homesick. I miss being at home, I miss my Henry and most of all I miss my husband. It is weird to think that next time I am at home it will be with babies, my life is going to be totally and completely changed come Monday. I kind of wish I had just one more day at home how we were. I have wanted this for so long that I know it is strange to say but I do. I guess because I expected to have some more time at home, but if I should expect anything with this pregnancy I should have known to expect the unexpected and honestly, it's ok, more than ok. Somehow, I am getting everything and more than I ever wanted.

34 Weeks

We had a growth scan yesterday and Molly is measuring 4lb 9oz (up from 3lb 14oz 2 weeks ago) and Max is measuring 5lb 11oz (huge! and up from 4lb 4oz 2 weeks ago). We also found out that Max has hair - you could see it on his little head on the ultrasound :) No pictures though because the little ones were not cooperating...

I had a mini-freak out after the growth scan because I just don't want Molly to be born too small and was worried that Max being so big would push her to be born before she was ready. The doctors don't seem concerned so I am trying to let go of my anxiety about that. I have already made it past 34 weeks which is a great milestone, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Both babies are still transverse and have been lying head to head on my left side with their feet to my right side.

We also had another NST this morning and all is well with the babies and with me too. My bp was only 130/80 which, for me, is good since my norm has recently been 150/80. Babies have lots of fluid and their heartrates and movements are tracking just as they should. The OB I saw today also said that he will talk with my regular OB about scheduling a c-section date for me. Hopefully I will know more about when exactly that will be at my next appointment on Friday.

I'm getting excited to meet my babies face-to-face. I am just getting more and more ginormous and uncomfortable not to mention exhausted! By the end of the day I am so totally beat and it doesn't help much that sleeping is getting increasingly difficult. I guess it is just my body's way of preparing me to function on little sleep for when the twins finally do arrive.

For some reason I keep avoiding packing my hospital bag; though, with two trips to L&D already under my belt you would think I would have learned my lesson about trying to have my husband pack for me and gotten on that. Maybe I'll work up some extra energy and try to get that done tonight.

33 Weeks and 2nd Trip to L&D

On Sunday my OB had me repeat my 24 hour pee test at home. Oh what fun - pee in a bucket for 24 hours...

On Monday I went to the Tully Center to drop it off and got some additional bloodwork done and then on Tuesday I had an appointment with my OB for another non stress test (NST) which I have been doing twice a week since my last trip to L&D.

Every time I have a NST the babies are doing wonderfully. The NST tracks their heartrates and movements using a doppler for a period of time from 20 minutes to 1 hour and also measures to see if I am having any contractions. Then, an ultrasound measures the amount of fluid each of the babies have. Every time I have had one of these NST's the results have been that the babies are perfect.

My problem has been all along (in my third trimester) that my blood pressures have been measuring high. Last time I was in the hospital they said that my baseline was 130s/80s. This time they moved my baseline to 150s/80s but individual bp checks have been as high as 170/115.

When I turned in my 24 hour pee test on Monday and my OB got the results on Tuesday my number was 380 something. The cut off is 300 and the level from the last test I had done while I was at the hospital the month before was 280 something. Sooo my high bp plus the over 300 number sent me to the L&D unit of the hospital for the second time.

This time I was in L&D from 2:30 until about 7:30 getting bloodwork, an IV, another NST and starting a third 24 hour pee test. While I was in L&D they were talking steroid shots and possible delivery which was scary, but it was all kind of wait and see what the additional blood and pee tests come back and show. Thankfully they were happy enough and let me go downstairs to take my breastfeeding class after I was done in L&D and before they sent me up to Maternity which was a nice way to kill some time in the hospital. Once I was settled in my room in Maternity I was basically just there for the 24 hour pee test and more monitoring of my bps and fetal heart rates.

When the test results finally came back around 5pm last night my number was 260 so I was released home for the time being. I have another NST scheduled at the hospital tomorrow morning at 8:30 and what might be my last growth scan with the MFM on Monday. Maybe we will get some final 3d images of the twins?

My belly is getting huge making it a bit harder to navigate and do every-day tasks, my feet resemble those of Fred Flintstone and I'm pretty much tired all the time but I am generally feeling really good so it is hard for me to believe that I could have to deliver so soon. Right now I am really hoping to make it to at least 35 weeks which would be next Sunday but obviously the longer the better and I know that in reality it could be any day now...

29 Weeks, 3rd Trimester & My First Trip to L&D

It has been an eventful week or two. I started my 3rd trimester at 28 weeks. Crazy to think I am already that far along after all it took to get us here! I am very thankful and a little in shock.

On Friday, at a routine OB visit the Dr. found that my blood pressure was elevated. Very elevated. 180/90. They sent me right over to the hospital. When I showed up at the Labor and Delivery unit I was taken into one of the rooms and they started some tests. Nothing like being sent to L&D at 29 weeks to really get your blood pressure going... So my pressures were high, they did an ultrasound, put in an IV and took some blood. What I thought was going to be a couple of hours thing very quickly turned into an overnight thing, which turned into a weekend thing. They had me do a 24 hour urine test to see the level of protein, they did multiple monitoring sessions to track the babies heartrates, ultrasounds to check fluid levels and growth of the babies, lots of blood pressure readings and while I was there I also did my 3 hour glucose test.

Good news is that all my tests came back negative for pre-eclampsia and I even passed my 3-hour glucose test. The babies are doing great and measuring about 2 pounds 12 ounces each which is great for 29 weeks.

Bad news is that even though my blood pressures lowered and stabilized at about 130/80 that is still high and this means that I am not out of the woods and will be monitored much more closely for the remainder of the pregnancy. It also means that these babies may end up coming much earlier than we expected.

So far the plan is to see my OB twice a week for monitoring (which took 2 hours on Monday) where they hook up doplers to each of the babies heartrates and track their heart rates, accelerations and decelerations when they move and contractions (which apparently I'm having but not feeling yet). I will also see the Perinatologist (high risk ob) at the MFM unit at the hospital more often but I'm not quite sure of that frequency but should know more after tomorrow's appointment there. From what I was told by my OB I am going to discuss with the MFM the possibility of steroid injections to help the babies lung development, a more detailed overview of what is going on with me in terms of pre-eclampsia and testing and more detail about what is going on with the babies and what it all means in terms of how long they expect me to be able to carry these little ones. The estimate from my OB as of yesterday was that they are hoping I can make it to 34 weeks. In my mind I am really hoping to make it to 36 weeks or even later but we will have to see and I may have to adjust my expectations. Babies will come when they need to and I will trust in the doctors to do their job and keep all of us safe.

Fail

On Saturday I went to take my one hour glucose test, it is not a fun test but also was not a big deal this time. I got a call this morning that I failed.

I'm annoyed this morning for a few reasons:

1. I took a 3 hour glucose test in April when they took me off of Metformin for my insulin resistant PCOS.

2. When I got the Rx for the test I asked my Dr. why they were having me do a 1 hour this time when they had me do a 3 hour before. It kinda seemed like going backwards and even though the 3 hour test was awful I'd much rather do it once than have to go back for a third glucose test. They said just to do the 1 hour.

3. The 3 hour test was awful last time, the people at the blood draw lab couldn't find my veins and I ended up being stuck 12 times total (when it should have been 4) and by the end was starving, shaky and had to be picked up because there was no way I could drive, I was miserable and sick the rest of the day. Needless to say I am not looking forward to doing it again.

4. I hardly have any free time as it is and now I have to carve out at least 4 hours one morning after fasting for 12 hours prior. I think the only time I am even able to do this is next Saturday morning before my best friend's baby shower which now I will probably have to get a ride to and from if this time is anything like last time.

I'm not having a very good day...

How did I get here?

I'm not sure exactly how to explain how I've been feeling lately...maybe a mix between total shock and complete gratitude.

On Sunday I will be 28 weeks pregnant, in my third trimester...with twins no less.

At this time last year I had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half, had been seeing a specialist for a few months, had gone through a battery of invasive tests and was gearing up for surgery to remove a fallopian tube, wondering if I would ever be able to carry a child of my own. Surgery (apparently for nothing since it turned out that they didn't have to remove it after all) followed by months of treatments getting my hopes up and then crushed over and over. I know how lucky I am to be in the position I am at the moment. There are friends of mine I met at the fertility clinic who are still in treatment and my heart breaks for them because I know what it was like for the 11 months I was there and though it truly is a wonderful place with wonderful people it is not a place anyone wants to be, especially for any real length of time.

And so now here I am. How in the world did I get here? Things I had only dreamed about for years are now realities for me and sometimes I don't know how to handle that. I have a nursery, complete with tiny clothes hanging in the closet, I get to feel my babies move inside me all day long and yesterday a carseat was delivered to the house. For some reason that was a big one for me. A carseat. Realizing that in a short time I'll have a baby to put in that carseat and not only one but two. I really feel totally blessed and a bit overwhelmed. After two years of infertility now I am expecting two babies.

I feel thankful and happy every single day. Quite a difference from the rollercoaster of emotions during the time spent trying to conceive or in treatment. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel this sincere daily gratitude if it had not been for the difficult journey we had to take. I realize that I would be happy still and would have the same attachment to the babies growing inside me but there is something else I feel that comes from all that time doubting and wondering if I would ever have children of my own, praying for a child and not knowing if God would answer that prayer and now, knowing that He did, I also realize that these babies truly are my greatest blessing. I know it sounds a little crazy but I am even thankful for the time of infertility and I wouldn't change a thing. All the pain, doubt and struggle brought me to where I am today and where I am today is better than I ever imagined.

Hiccups

Molly had the hiccups for the first time (or at least for the first time I could feel and/or recognize) today. At first I was like hey, what the heck is going on and once I realized what it was I thought it was kind of cute :)

Baby Kicks

So I have been feeling little baby kicks for a couple of weeks now and it is awesome to feel little reminders that they are there but...

This morning, for the first time Shawn felt a baby kick from the outside!!

Vegetarian Babies

I've been meaning to write about this for a while, since it is not a new occurrence, but I think my babies are vegetarians. In the very beginning of the pregnancy I had no problem eating meat of all kinds but towards the middle of my first trimester I definitely developed a strong meat aversion. I can eat shrimp, fish, milk and eggs but that's about it for the animal products. The thought of having some chicken or beef really just disgusts me. It would be like telling me to eat cow's tongue or something, just gross. Even preparing it for others to eat is not so fun. Part of me wonders if I'll crave a hamburger right after delivery or if I'll continue my no-meat diet after? I also wonder if my kids might actually not like it once they are big enough to try it? I guess only time will tell...