How did I get here?

I'm not sure exactly how to explain how I've been feeling lately...maybe a mix between total shock and complete gratitude.

On Sunday I will be 28 weeks pregnant, in my third trimester...with twins no less.

At this time last year I had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half, had been seeing a specialist for a few months, had gone through a battery of invasive tests and was gearing up for surgery to remove a fallopian tube, wondering if I would ever be able to carry a child of my own. Surgery (apparently for nothing since it turned out that they didn't have to remove it after all) followed by months of treatments getting my hopes up and then crushed over and over. I know how lucky I am to be in the position I am at the moment. There are friends of mine I met at the fertility clinic who are still in treatment and my heart breaks for them because I know what it was like for the 11 months I was there and though it truly is a wonderful place with wonderful people it is not a place anyone wants to be, especially for any real length of time.

And so now here I am. How in the world did I get here? Things I had only dreamed about for years are now realities for me and sometimes I don't know how to handle that. I have a nursery, complete with tiny clothes hanging in the closet, I get to feel my babies move inside me all day long and yesterday a carseat was delivered to the house. For some reason that was a big one for me. A carseat. Realizing that in a short time I'll have a baby to put in that carseat and not only one but two. I really feel totally blessed and a bit overwhelmed. After two years of infertility now I am expecting two babies.

I feel thankful and happy every single day. Quite a difference from the rollercoaster of emotions during the time spent trying to conceive or in treatment. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel this sincere daily gratitude if it had not been for the difficult journey we had to take. I realize that I would be happy still and would have the same attachment to the babies growing inside me but there is something else I feel that comes from all that time doubting and wondering if I would ever have children of my own, praying for a child and not knowing if God would answer that prayer and now, knowing that He did, I also realize that these babies truly are my greatest blessing. I know it sounds a little crazy but I am even thankful for the time of infertility and I wouldn't change a thing. All the pain, doubt and struggle brought me to where I am today and where I am today is better than I ever imagined.