Support for me has come in many forms and from many different people.
First I have my husband who, like it or not, is going through this all with me. Sometimes I forget that he is just as much a part of this as I am and that he wants a child just as I do. Granted, I get to do all the "fun" (note the THICK sarcasm here) tests and procedures but this is something that affects both of us and our mutual desire to have a child. I love my husband and am so thankful for him and his support while I am shooting myself full of hormones and generally being extra moody and emotional. I know that this is hard for me but sometimes (ok - most of the time) it is easy to forget that he is dealing with the same things and it is hard for him too and he has really shown me just how great of a husband he is though all of this tough stuff.
I also have wonderful family who do their best to know when give me the space I need and are there for a supportive word and friends who support me through prayer and are there to encourage me when I am feeling down. They may be as fertile as can be and really not understand what I am going through but I know that they care and that is really important to me.
A group of women that I am so grateful for and who have offered tremendous support for me have been other women I have met who are also infertile. There are several ways I have met these women and by far they have been the best source of information, support and encouragement. It is hard to explain but going through something difficult like this, it is comforting to know that there are others dealing with the same stuff, all the tests, medications, injections, procedures, hope, stress, anxiety, disappointment and sometimes joy.
The first group of women I have met through a Fertile Yoga class and support group that is put on by my RE's office every Saturday morning. I started going to this as often as I could even before my lap surgery back in July - so for about 6 months. I have written before about how much I love Fertile Yoga but really it is the women who I have met through it and the encouragement and frustrations we are able to share knowing that we all really understand exactly what the other is feeling. Recently the support we have been able to give to each other has been incredible. It used to be that we would share whenever we were all at class together but we have formed friendships and bonds over this trouble in our lives that has extended past a peer support group and there are some of these women I talk to frequently, if not daily and keep up to date on what is going on with them and helping each other out though difficulties and questions.
The second group of women I have met through online support groups. Like the women I have met in my Fertile Yoga class they just get exactly what I am going through and are able to relate in a way that no others can no matter how hard they try or how well intentioned they can be. This is why I think the internet is so wonderful. It allows you to connect with people who you normally wouldn't have a chance to and in this case brings together tons of people going through similar situations when in real life you would be lucky to know anyone. If it were not for my RE office having the yoga class and support groups (which not many RE offices offer) I would know one person (in real life) who went through this and now she has moved away. Online support groups and forums help because you can ask questions and surely someone will know the answer and will be able to respond quickly too!
I don't know what I would do without all the wonderful people who support me through this, both those I know in real life and my online supporters :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Getting Ready for IVF
I have been bad about updating here about things that have been going on.
Hubby did another SA a couple of weeks ago and I had a mock transfer and saline sonogram as well as another chat with my Dr. about doing IVF this cycle.
I have been on birth control pills for the past 10 days and tonight will be the last one I take. They say to take birth control pills to keep things quiet in your ovaries before starting the cycle. I think it is kind of funny that I, who have no chance of becoming pregnant the natural way, am currently taking birth control. Anyways...
My saline sonogram went off well. They inject a mixture of saline and iodine into your uterus and then take an ultrasound to see how the walls look. They want to see clean sharp lines and that is exactly what my RE said he saw. So this was good news because it means that there are no issues (as far as my uterus is concerned) that would make implantation difficult.
After the saline sonogram we talked about this cycle and the results from hubby's SA. RE told me that the SA they did this time was with the Kruger analysis which looks at the sperm to find ones that have the correct shape and angle in the heads to penetrate the egg. Apparently none of hubby's sperm have this shape/angle. My first thought was that maybe this was why my IUIs didn't work but RE said that this is specific for IVF and could not say if this would have contributed to my past IUIs failing. The other concern I had was if the sperm are not correctly shaped does this mean that there is a problem with the DNA or chromosomes carried by the sperm. RE also told me that this is not the case and that the sperm are normal as far as DNA are concerned. The only thing that this analysis means is that we will be doing our IVF cycle with Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). This means that once they remove my eggs instead of putting each together with 50,000 sperm and letting them all attack the egg they will be selecting one sperm per egg and injecting that into each egg. Crazy to think how tiny that needle has to be...I have no idea how this actually happens but I think it is pretty amazing that it is something they can do.
I also got my protocol and a packet of information to review and sign including consents and information about what we want to do with our embryos. This is crazy stuff because for us this is the equivalent to asking what we want to do with our unborn children. Not something most people have to think about or deal with. The list of medications was pretty intimidating, not to mention the 160 needles that were ordered. I know that some of these are for mixing but it seems a bit overkill to me. Hopefully they just order way too many. I think the most I would have to use is 40 to actually inject myself with but I guess I will find out.
Another thing that has been going on is that my insurance is being annoying and saying that certain medications need additional authorizations. Hopefully all this gets straightened out soon. I was supposed to get my shipment of medications tomorrow but that is not going to happen because of the authorization issues and the fact that one of the medications is on back order. My nurse says that I must have all the medications by Thursday at the absolute latest since I have my teach class and start injections on Friday. This is making me a little (read - a lot) crazy. It certainly does not mix well with my need to be in control A-Type personality. Also I won't know how much this is all costing me until they actually ship it. Hope there is enough $ in my HSA account to cover it... Guess I need to figure out a way to relax until the medication gets here.
On Friday I go in for bloodwork an ultrasound and my 2 hour teach class. The teach class is basically where the nurses teach you how to be your own pharmacist: mixing and injecting and timing all the different medications I will have to take for 8-10 days starting on Friday.
I am super excited to get things started. My RE says that there is a 70% chance of success for me this cycle. Those are odds that make me happy. The big question for me right now though is still whether to transfer one or two. This is what is going on in my head about all this: If I transfer one there is a better chance that I will have a healthier pregnancy if it works. Also, raising one child is definitely preferable than raising two at the same time. The problem is what if the one does not work. I feel like I will always wonder if it would have worked if I transferred two. My Dr. is concerned about transferring two because of my young age he feels that my chance of multiples is very likely (about 50-60%) and he does not want me to have to deal with the complications that come with twin pregnancies, especially given my medical history with PCOS he is concerned about gestational diabetes, hypertension and other issues. I do want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and not have to be on bed rest the entire time or on additional medications that could potentially harm our babies. So this is the current dilemma - one or two...it is a question that is constantly on my mind. I guess I will have to make a decision sometime soon...
Hubby did another SA a couple of weeks ago and I had a mock transfer and saline sonogram as well as another chat with my Dr. about doing IVF this cycle.
I have been on birth control pills for the past 10 days and tonight will be the last one I take. They say to take birth control pills to keep things quiet in your ovaries before starting the cycle. I think it is kind of funny that I, who have no chance of becoming pregnant the natural way, am currently taking birth control. Anyways...
My saline sonogram went off well. They inject a mixture of saline and iodine into your uterus and then take an ultrasound to see how the walls look. They want to see clean sharp lines and that is exactly what my RE said he saw. So this was good news because it means that there are no issues (as far as my uterus is concerned) that would make implantation difficult.
After the saline sonogram we talked about this cycle and the results from hubby's SA. RE told me that the SA they did this time was with the Kruger analysis which looks at the sperm to find ones that have the correct shape and angle in the heads to penetrate the egg. Apparently none of hubby's sperm have this shape/angle. My first thought was that maybe this was why my IUIs didn't work but RE said that this is specific for IVF and could not say if this would have contributed to my past IUIs failing. The other concern I had was if the sperm are not correctly shaped does this mean that there is a problem with the DNA or chromosomes carried by the sperm. RE also told me that this is not the case and that the sperm are normal as far as DNA are concerned. The only thing that this analysis means is that we will be doing our IVF cycle with Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). This means that once they remove my eggs instead of putting each together with 50,000 sperm and letting them all attack the egg they will be selecting one sperm per egg and injecting that into each egg. Crazy to think how tiny that needle has to be...I have no idea how this actually happens but I think it is pretty amazing that it is something they can do.
I also got my protocol and a packet of information to review and sign including consents and information about what we want to do with our embryos. This is crazy stuff because for us this is the equivalent to asking what we want to do with our unborn children. Not something most people have to think about or deal with. The list of medications was pretty intimidating, not to mention the 160 needles that were ordered. I know that some of these are for mixing but it seems a bit overkill to me. Hopefully they just order way too many. I think the most I would have to use is 40 to actually inject myself with but I guess I will find out.
Another thing that has been going on is that my insurance is being annoying and saying that certain medications need additional authorizations. Hopefully all this gets straightened out soon. I was supposed to get my shipment of medications tomorrow but that is not going to happen because of the authorization issues and the fact that one of the medications is on back order. My nurse says that I must have all the medications by Thursday at the absolute latest since I have my teach class and start injections on Friday. This is making me a little (read - a lot) crazy. It certainly does not mix well with my need to be in control A-Type personality. Also I won't know how much this is all costing me until they actually ship it. Hope there is enough $ in my HSA account to cover it... Guess I need to figure out a way to relax until the medication gets here.
On Friday I go in for bloodwork an ultrasound and my 2 hour teach class. The teach class is basically where the nurses teach you how to be your own pharmacist: mixing and injecting and timing all the different medications I will have to take for 8-10 days starting on Friday.
I am super excited to get things started. My RE says that there is a 70% chance of success for me this cycle. Those are odds that make me happy. The big question for me right now though is still whether to transfer one or two. This is what is going on in my head about all this: If I transfer one there is a better chance that I will have a healthier pregnancy if it works. Also, raising one child is definitely preferable than raising two at the same time. The problem is what if the one does not work. I feel like I will always wonder if it would have worked if I transferred two. My Dr. is concerned about transferring two because of my young age he feels that my chance of multiples is very likely (about 50-60%) and he does not want me to have to deal with the complications that come with twin pregnancies, especially given my medical history with PCOS he is concerned about gestational diabetes, hypertension and other issues. I do want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and not have to be on bed rest the entire time or on additional medications that could potentially harm our babies. So this is the current dilemma - one or two...it is a question that is constantly on my mind. I guess I will have to make a decision sometime soon...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Third time is NOT the charm...
So yesterday was a dig day in a pretty bad way. I got the news that my third IUI cycle failed and I am not pregnant.
The sad thing is that I pretty much expected it to be negative the whole time. I mean, of course, I had a little hope that maybe just maybe something might work but pretty much I knew this was just going to suck. I think that expecting a negative worked out better for me emotionally since I was prepared for the bad news. It was still devastating but not as bad as last time - if that makes any sense at all.
Following the email with the bad news I got a slew if emails from my nurse and the finance department about starting IVF. I had to schedule a ton of appointments for me and for Shawn as well all coming up pretty soon.
I signed a financial consent and need to come up with $1,495 by Tuesday to cover$1,155 for cryopreservation and $340 for another semen anaylsis. Now I know I should be thankful that I have fertility coverage at all but $1,495 is still a lot of money for me to come up with just like that. It will basically wipe out what I have saved to go towards my deductible coming up in February. I am choosing not to think about that right now...or the fact that frozen embryo transfers are not covered at all...choosing to be thankful that my insurance will be picking up (at least this time) the $15,000 tab. If I was doing this on my own the total for the cycle would be $17,435 and that is without meds.
Another thing I am worried about are the costs of the medications. I am assuming that most or some will be covered with small(ish) co-pays but I am quickly learning that infertility can quickly drain your bank account. I am hoping for a bonus that will make sure my family doesn't get ultrasound pics of my ovaries for christmas...
So I guess we are on to IVF. We have scheduled another semen analysis, a saline sonogram, a 2 hour teach class to learn about all the medications and injections and have an estimate of when the retrieval and transfer dates will be. There are a lot of appointments and I am going to have to miss a significant amount of work so I decided yesterday afternoon to "come out" to my female boss and just let her in on what was going on with me and why I would have to miss so much time at work. She was awesome and so understanding especially since she went through the retrieval and ICSI herself though she never did transfer.
Here we go...I'm a little nervous about the high stakes but excited for the increased percentages.
The sad thing is that I pretty much expected it to be negative the whole time. I mean, of course, I had a little hope that maybe just maybe something might work but pretty much I knew this was just going to suck. I think that expecting a negative worked out better for me emotionally since I was prepared for the bad news. It was still devastating but not as bad as last time - if that makes any sense at all.
Following the email with the bad news I got a slew if emails from my nurse and the finance department about starting IVF. I had to schedule a ton of appointments for me and for Shawn as well all coming up pretty soon.
I signed a financial consent and need to come up with $1,495 by Tuesday to cover$1,155 for cryopreservation and $340 for another semen anaylsis. Now I know I should be thankful that I have fertility coverage at all but $1,495 is still a lot of money for me to come up with just like that. It will basically wipe out what I have saved to go towards my deductible coming up in February. I am choosing not to think about that right now...or the fact that frozen embryo transfers are not covered at all...choosing to be thankful that my insurance will be picking up (at least this time) the $15,000 tab. If I was doing this on my own the total for the cycle would be $17,435 and that is without meds.
Another thing I am worried about are the costs of the medications. I am assuming that most or some will be covered with small(ish) co-pays but I am quickly learning that infertility can quickly drain your bank account. I am hoping for a bonus that will make sure my family doesn't get ultrasound pics of my ovaries for christmas...
So I guess we are on to IVF. We have scheduled another semen analysis, a saline sonogram, a 2 hour teach class to learn about all the medications and injections and have an estimate of when the retrieval and transfer dates will be. There are a lot of appointments and I am going to have to miss a significant amount of work so I decided yesterday afternoon to "come out" to my female boss and just let her in on what was going on with me and why I would have to miss so much time at work. She was awesome and so understanding especially since she went through the retrieval and ICSI herself though she never did transfer.
Here we go...I'm a little nervous about the high stakes but excited for the increased percentages.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Updates
So we have had a very busy past few days.
On Saturday I went for my fourth monitoring appointment and I finally had a follicle that was big enough to trigger! The nurse gave me my Ovidrel injection and I was on my way. We had a Halloween party on Saturday night and we had to get up early for our first IUI on Sunday morning.
The first IUI went great. We had the highest concentration of sperm yet and they were all 3-4 quality which is great! I was in and out on Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with my nieces and nephews who looked even more adorable than usual in their Halloween costumes.
This morning I had my IVF consult and my second IUI. The IVF consult was good but not much new information since I have really done my homework about all this I was pretty well versed in what comes next so no surprises. My Dr. did say that (if this cycle fails) he thinks we can get in one IVF cycle before the end of the year. We also talked about the number of embryos to transfer. He said because of my age and the fact that my eggs and uterus are in great shape he would only want to do a single embryo transfer and said that taking everything into consideration about me that he felt the chances of success with a single embryo transfer for me is about 70%. I was and still am a little hesitant about only putting in one because what if we fall in that 30% but I'll worry about that more if/when we get to that point.
The IUI this morning was quick and easy and so now we wait again. The pregnancy test is scheduled for November 15th and I don't really have much going on until then so I am expecting a long two week wait. I cheated the last two times with home pregnancy tests before but I think this time I will stay far far away.
On Saturday I went for my fourth monitoring appointment and I finally had a follicle that was big enough to trigger! The nurse gave me my Ovidrel injection and I was on my way. We had a Halloween party on Saturday night and we had to get up early for our first IUI on Sunday morning.
The first IUI went great. We had the highest concentration of sperm yet and they were all 3-4 quality which is great! I was in and out on Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with my nieces and nephews who looked even more adorable than usual in their Halloween costumes.
This morning I had my IVF consult and my second IUI. The IVF consult was good but not much new information since I have really done my homework about all this I was pretty well versed in what comes next so no surprises. My Dr. did say that (if this cycle fails) he thinks we can get in one IVF cycle before the end of the year. We also talked about the number of embryos to transfer. He said because of my age and the fact that my eggs and uterus are in great shape he would only want to do a single embryo transfer and said that taking everything into consideration about me that he felt the chances of success with a single embryo transfer for me is about 70%. I was and still am a little hesitant about only putting in one because what if we fall in that 30% but I'll worry about that more if/when we get to that point.
The IUI this morning was quick and easy and so now we wait again. The pregnancy test is scheduled for November 15th and I don't really have much going on until then so I am expecting a long two week wait. I cheated the last two times with home pregnancy tests before but I think this time I will stay far far away.
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