Trying to Stay Positive

The past couple of days I have been feeling strange. I'm not quite sure how to describe it accurately but I definitely have not been completely myself. I am angry, sad, hopeful, fearful, longing, desperate and anxious. Most of what I am feeling is negative. It is draining and not how I want to feel. Trying to stay positive has become more and more difficult as I let the bad feelings take over. There is a little hope, a little light but even that is shadowed by the anxiety and doubt.

Seeing my pregnant friend the other day, coupled with multiple facebook pregnancy and delivery announcements just make it more difficult for me. Even a trip to the grocery store is difficult. There are a lot of pregnant women at the grocery store. I hadn't noticed this before but it seems like all of the sudden they are everywhere. Showing me what I don't have. Making me wonder if I ever will. I try to skip the baby aisle. The smell of the packages diapers and wipes and baby lotions makes me happy but also makes me yearn for the time when I will have a reason to be there. It is a little like torture I put myself through. I love all things baby and even have some baby clothes and gear just waiting for my little one.

Sometimes going to a store and buying a little baby outfit makes me feel better. I know I sound a little crazy but it helps me. Even though I know I am not pregnant and don't know when it will happen for me, when I go to a store and pick out something to buy for my future baby it helps put me in the frame of mind that it will happen eventually. So even though it hurts in most ways it also helps in others.

Another thing I do that makes me feel a little better is to think about how I will feel when I finally get that positive pregnancy test. To think about how I will finally feel when I hear my baby's heartbeat. To think about how I will finally feel when I feel my baby kick for the first time. To think about how I will finally feel at my baby shower and most of all to think about how I will finally feel when I get to hold my precious baby in my arms for the first time.

Staying positive through infertility is difficult. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible. Letting the hope in is something I need to do more often. Something I need to help me through this difficult time. Distractions are good but just that. Something to help me pass the time. What I really need is to let in the good and forget about the negative for a little while. I know that if I let the negative go and give in to the hope for a child that if it turns out that this time does not work again I will be devastated, worse than before. It is the fear of that pain that is holding me back and I know I need to just release it, to give it to God.