Take Two

Last night I had dinner with a few of my friends from high school to catch up. We used to meet for dinner every few months but realized that we hadn't gotten together this time on over a year (since we were all together at one of our weddings). Anyways, the whole car ride there I was debating whether or not to let them in on the fact that I am doing fertility treatments. I decided as I got out of the car that I should definitely let them know - I mean it is basically all I have been doing for the past 6 months and they are my friends. I was a little late and the other 4 were already there.

I sit down and the first piece of news after the hugs hello was that one of them was pregnant. Due in February.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach and I basically lost it. I tried to remain as calm cool and collected as I could on the outside but it was difficult to say the least and my friends knew that something was up. I sat there quietly and took deep breaths to keep me from crying, screaming, or engaging in some other highly inappropriate act. She is my friend, I should be happy for her. It is a strange feeling because I am happy for her, it is wonderful that she is pregnant. What sucks is that I am not and I've been trying for so long.

I made it through about 2/3 of the dinner when I finally told them what was going on. They knew something was going on and I couldn't stand it any more. I didn't want them to think I was upset at them. So I told them what was going on with me. I almost immediately regretted it. They so do not understand, I don't think anyone can unless they have really gone through it.

Anyways, I made it through with out completely loosing it until I got home and told my hubby about my friend's pregnancy. I cried and talked with him about how it made me feel. It just sucks so bad and it hurts me deeply. If anyone (besides the few wonderful women I have met going through the same thing) understands how I feel I think Shawn does. I know he wants a baby too. He wants to be a Daddy just as much as I want to be a Mommy and although most of the uncomfortable testing is on me he is going through the emotions with me. He wants the same thing I do and he knows how hard it has been for the past year and 1/2. Sometimes his desires for a child make me feel worse. I feel guilty that I have not been able to give him the child that we both want. Whatever way you look at it this whole mess sucks big time.

Moving on from the negative.

I went in this morning for my Cycle Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. RE said my uterus and lining look good. Lots of small follicles on both my ovaries (which is unfortunately normal for me). He said for one there were 40 less than 10 and 30 less than ten on the other. No cysts or other bad stuff that would delay my treatment so we are good to go. I went over to the pharmacy right after the appointment to pick up my Rx of Clomid. I am taking the same dose as last time since I did produce a follicle so that will be 2 pills every night starting today for the next 5 days. My next appointment is on September 18th for morning monitoring and then I'll do the Ovidrel injection again and IUIs just like last time. Hopefully though, we will get a different result this time. I don't know how much longer I can do this without becoming completely crazy.