Between Infertile and Pregnant

Last time I updated this blog was with the results of my first beta test. My level was great, 301! I was definitely pregnant. I went for a second beta test last Wednesday and the level went up to 529 which was good since they want the number to double every 48-72 hours. I was within the limit with a doubling time of 59 hours. Still good. My third beta test (which I requested) came back at 817. Ever since getting this beta level I have been nervous. Well, I was nervous after the second because I thought it wasn't doubling fast enough but after the third I really started to get nervous since the doubling time between the 2nd and 3rd beta levels was 76.5 hours, just over the 48 - 72 hour doubling time window. So where does that leave me? In beta hell.

Seriously, you would think that once I got a positive pregnancy test that I would be over the moon. Many women don't even get in to see their doctors for an ultrasound for 7-10 weeks. I am freaking out and holding my breath until my first ultrasound tomorrow at 5 weeks 5 days. I just want to see that things are ok, it is something I am NOT confident about at the moment. I wonder if I will ever be?

Right now I'm not sure what I would call myself. Technically, I am pregnant but honestly it is so hard to actually say that because I have not seen proof, no gestational sac, no heartbeat, just some pee sticks and some phone calls from my RE office. I am really hoping for some proof tomorrow. I have had some symptoms but most seem to come and go. Heartburn, sore boobs, mild headaches, dizziness, getting hungry more often, some food cravings, bad skin, and a weird feeling like I've done way too many crunches. The one symptom that has been most consistent is that I've been extra tired. Going to bed at 8 or 9pm kind of tired. Although I always thought through all of this that I just wanted to get pregnant but really that is not the case, although I do want to be pregnant, what I want more is a healthy baby in my arms and am realizing now that the two are not always the same and that terrifies me.

I've been ok most of the week but today, waiting for my 11am appointment tomorrow, has been really tough. 22 more hours of waiting...